Monday at lunchtime I snuck out to a Soul Cycle class. I've only tried it once, and was simultaneously repelled by and attracted to the brainwashing and evil genius level of branding. Also, I wanted to get a look at the new NoHo location, and Tomas, who used to teach at Crunch, was leading the only exercise class that fit into my schedule that day, so off I went.
The bathrooms and locker area are immaculate, but there's no good changing area. I think you're just supposed to show up in your Lululemon workout gear, get on the "Soul Bike" and then get back to the rest of your trophy wife life. And I can be down with that. As with everything in my life, I was feeling a little "one of these things is not like the other" when all the other women in matching black Lululemon tanks took bikes in the same two rows across from the instructor, whereas I saddled up all alone in the side section, front row, wearing my "I <3 Sweat" t-shirt, ready to kiss up to Tomas and his playlist. Just before class, Kelly Bensimon, one of the Real Housewives of New York, sauntered into the front row, her gorgeous blowout hanging over her shoulders. Really, Kelly? You can't possibly be serious about sweating if you're wearing your hair down. But I was also really excited that my spin class got just 100% more famous. Then Kelly put her hair up, and I was like, ok, Kelly, you can stay. Then the clouds parted and a chorus of angles sang, and in came our instructor,Tomas. I'd forgotten how much he resembled a Greek god. He turned off the lights, climbed onto the spin bike, which was magically surrounded by lit candles (when did that happen?), and told us to close our eyes and "think about what brought you here, and what you want, and how you're going to work here today to go after what you want." I closed my eyes and prayed, "Dear Adonis-Tomas, I want to be really famous, more than Kelly Bensimon. Thank you. Amen." It was kind of cheesy, but I was really digging worshipping at the altar of Adonis-Tomas. Maybe next time I'l bring flowers, or a dead goat, and lay them in front of his spin bike for extra bonus points.
Adonis-Tomas' playlist was full of disco, and Kelly Clarkson and Madonna, and dance moves and combinations. I hate the arm weights sections that spin studios make you do, because, hello, that's what I have Buffin for, and their puny 1lb weights are just lame and boring. And I wish there was more resistance cueing, because it wasn't as hard as Carl's class. BUT, I loved Tomas' list, and I love Tomas, and he and I were singing along, and when he shouted to me "I heart sweat, too!" I pretty much almost proposed to him. Secretly. To myself. Inside my sweaty heart. So there I was, Monday afternoon, hooting and hollering next to a Greek god, smiling and singing along, being my own rainbow, etc., and showing a group of super-serious Real Housewife look-alikes, and one real Real Housewife, just how it should be done. Boom, Kelly Bensimon, BOOM!