• +1 Healthy Breakfasts
• +2 Healthy Meals
• +8 Hours of Sleep
• +120 Minutes of Physical Activity
• +1 Workouts

Saturday morning ran a few miles to the Farmers' Market, and then lingered chatting with the locals. Later, more spring cleaning, and then a feast of fresh local clams, blue fish, and black fish. Black & Blue.

• +1 Healthy Breakfasts
• +2 Healthy Meals
• +7 Hours of Sleep
• +1 Personal Trainer Workouts
• +3 Workday Stretch & De-stress Breaks
• +1 Workouts

On Thursday during my session with Buffin, we made new goals for June. I like making goals with Buffin because I say things like, "I want to benchpress rainbows!"* and then I get to watch him furrow his brow while he does all sorts of magical fitness math to figure out how to get me there. I don't know what Buffin's math equation is, but the end result is I am lifting lots of heavy things and doing lots of crunches, and as a treat, we practice our splits together, since that is one his goals too. Everything was great in Buffin-town, until I got an email from him over the weekend.

Buffin emailed me a list of things he wanted me to do. They were normal things, like grocery shopping, and prepping meals in advance. Then he wrote "Don't eat simple carbs past 5 pm." That's when my ears got hot and my vision went fuzzy and I knew he had awakened the Great Sleeping Sloth Who Lies Within. The Great Sleeping Sloth has been dormant these past few months. On the occasions that he has been roused, I've tamed him with a glass of prosecco to prove that, just because I work out 5 days a week and have hired a trainer, it doesn't mean the good times are over or that there's only wheatgrass and 7pm bedtimes in our future. It just means we do things a little differently now. That's all. It's okay. Go back to sleep, Sloth. You're pretty. But having the word "don't" appear so closely to the word "carbs" in a straightforward directive proved to be too much for The Great Sleeping Sloth, and he woke up bellowing, "Nobody tells ME what to do! RAWR!!!!" Whoa. Yikes. It took a lot of self-reflection and self-lecturing to get the Sloth to back down. I had to remind the Sloth that people will love us whether or not we eat carbs, and that we are more than our dinner choices, and yes, we're beautiful just the way we are, but sometimes we should try to listen to other voices besides the ones in our head, right? The Sloth and I agreed that perhaps I'm going to have to train Buffin on how to train me. The Sloth is very protective of the von Hottness, and the von Hottness doesn't do well with "don'ts" - but does very well with prizes, stroking and lists of "do this instead of this." Also, it's not Buffin's fault if most of his clients say to him things like "I want to tone up a little" but what they really mean is "Make me lose 15 pounds for my wedding," whereas when I say, "Make me stronger for aerial silks," I mean, "Bitch, make me stronger for aerial silks." Buffin's just working with what he knows. Then I told a bedtime story to Sloth about the sad Simple Carb Bunnies who can't come out at night because the Gluten Vampires will eat them, and that is why Carbs are not nocturnal creatures. Finally, I threw a lot of brussel sprouts at the Sloth because he loves brussel sprouts, and brussel sprouts are definitely not carbs. Finally, all was well and the Great Sleeping Sloth crept peacefully back to his lair and the people of von Hottness town could safely bring out their sports bras and leafy greens again.

*"I want to benchpress rainbows!" = "I want to get my butt over my head!"